I’m a highly skilled person, and I have a relatively desirable skill set, so I tend to get a lot of phone calls and a lot of emails from IT recruiters… and there’s something that’s been bugging me for a while now.

If I’m looking for a job — and why else would you be contacting me if that’s not your assumption? — then it stands to reason that I’m going to be most interested in what kind of jobs you might be able to offer me. ¿N’est-çe pas? Yet for some reason, these people always send a form-letter email, obviously hand-crafted by some PR lunatic from a planet where the sun never sets, that tells me two sentences about the job and two pages about the recruiter!

For example:

Hello Randall,
I am a recruiter with Self-Righteous Staffing, Inc. Self-Righteous Staffing is a Fortune 1000 company with over 20 years of experience in the staffing industry. We offer a choice of opportunities that will utilize your experience within some of the world’s top companies. With the latest resources, salary comparisons, interview coaching, and resume preparation, we’ll help you find the position you’ve always wanted!

I have a developer position available in Armpit, US. It is a 6-month contract-to-hire for a Java developer. Let me know if you’re interested.

We continuously open doors to top quality positions for professionals with your skills. We provide our candidates with exceptional service and treat individuals with personal respect. Self-Righteous Staffing is the employer of choice for many of the most qualified professionals in your industry.

Call or e-mail me today to learn about the immediate opportunities listed above or many others. Or, if you know someone that would be the RIGHT match for Asshole, please feel free to forward this e-mail.

Sincerely,
Fred Flintstone
Senior Staffing Specialist
Self-Righteous Staffing, Inc

So is it just me, or does it look like the second paragraph was written by someone else and inserted later? Of course it does, because it was! The PR department took a big shit on a piece of paper, planted tulips in it, and handed it to the management who said “yes, we’ll use this!” Then, the one technical person in the office built it into the email program so the recruiters could merge the job description into the document and send it. Unfortunately, I have to read that whole thing just to find out that there’s a Java job available in Armpit, USA.

News flash: There are Java jobs available in every expletive city in the U.S. of A. If I’m not going to be working for Self-Righteous Staffing, Inc, then I really don’t care about your company. I’m not impressed by terms like “Fortune 1000” and “over 20 years”. And who decided that there could be senior staffing specialists? You’re a phone jockey. A glorified salesman. Stop posturing.

I want to know about the place in the Armpit of the US. I want to know if I’ll be sitting in a tire factory smelling molten polybutadiene while writing software to track suicide attempts in the plant, or if I’ll have a comfortable, air-conditioned office in a financial center where I’ll write accounting software. I want to know if they wear suits and ties, or bibs and flanels. I want to know if there’s a real, honest-to-god owner and president, or if there are just a bunch of disenfranchised stockholders and a self-important board of directors.

Is it really asking that much?

Tags: recruiters